I accidentally had phone sex last night
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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