I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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