So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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