we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
