Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
