im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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