Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
