I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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