I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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