we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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