The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
