he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize