I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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