These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
