he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
