i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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