Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
