I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
