I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
