just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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