I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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