dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
