So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
