Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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