Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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