apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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