they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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