One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize