this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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