Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
