I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
