he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
