I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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