I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
