I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
