Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
