I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
