Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
