He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
