i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry about my life...
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