I accidentally burped into my bong.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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