She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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