He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
