I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
