So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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