uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize