omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You smell like stripper and shame
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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