I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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