I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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