We named our party play list daddy issues
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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