youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
