I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
