The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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