i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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