are you still at the devil's house?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
