She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
