3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Two words: blizzard sex
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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