guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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