you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
