just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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