i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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