She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
