Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
