A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
