peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
