I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I feel like a drive thru vagina
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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