the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
