Already got asked if we're dating
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
