First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
